My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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