Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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