he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize