I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
