On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
