please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
