you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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