dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
