Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
