somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
