You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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