You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
