We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
