my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
