My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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