I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
