i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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