I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently you make a good broom.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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