my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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