I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
