Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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