My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
