woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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