Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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