Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize