shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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