I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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