I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
do herpes really smell.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hippo gnu deer
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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