im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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