Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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