I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
