It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
