I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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