i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
