i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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