Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
