That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
