After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
