do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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