Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
