Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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