once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
In other news, I just burned my penis
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
