My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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