she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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