Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize