in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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