Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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