Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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