remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
