He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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