I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
