I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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