quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
