I just cut my nipple shaving
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
