the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
