this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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