Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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