Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
